Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize