So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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