Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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