saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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