I'm going to jail i love you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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