that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I party with great urgency now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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