So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
