I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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