My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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