Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
