Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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