uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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