I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When are your genitals available?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
