I just cut my nipple shaving
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
