theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize