i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My balls are so social today.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
