For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize