if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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