Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Bring me that man meat
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
