Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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