can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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