i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
