Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
