Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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