rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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