I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
