You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
