this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
