I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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