my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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