And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
