Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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