totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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