I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
