Jerry, you need to find god
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
