broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
