apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
