he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
