Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He has the fingertips of a God
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
