he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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