wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
