i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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