my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
