we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
