He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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