I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Randomize
