i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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