Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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