Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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