She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Couch. On fire.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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