what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
