Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
