I could make wine with my vomit
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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