she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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