and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
