i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
