I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
