Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just invented taco cereal.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
