If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
