In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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