i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
