I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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