While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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