i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize