hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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