I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
