i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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