well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She announced her abortion via fbk
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
